confessions of a perfectionist

(disclaimer: I'm not writing this post in an attempt to get people to say nice things to make me 'feel better'. I just want to record my feelings basically for myself to look back on one day and remember how I felt right now. cool, glad we got that sorted ;)

I can't do it all.

and for some reason I thought I could. I must have subconsciously been thinking that by now (since ella is a whole SEVEN weeks old) I should be organised, have her and the rest of us on the routine I want, have a cleaning routine so my house is semi-clean a little more often, be able to entertain - and thus feel like I actually have friends I can talk to and connect with, lose the baby weight I so badly want to lose, be hugely involved in Josh's preschool, manage the household finances, scrapbook Kai's entire album and get started on Ella's album, clean up our shocking garden, plan exciting adventures for Kai and so on and on and on...

I must have subconsciously thought this way because the fact that things are not like this is disheartening.

My subconscious is ganging up on me. And it makes me feel yuk. I want to get done all the things I want to get done. I don't want to feel like I'm behind all the time.

But I think slowly, God is working something new in me during this season. And it has a lot to do with one sin that I've got a big problem with: pride.

So I'm praying that God will forgive me for being so blind about my own pride. Any good that I can do is because of Jesus, not because of any ability on my behalf. And in this season of my life, I need Jesus more and more each day. Without Him, I cannot do it - any of it.

I'm also praying that I'll ease up on my expectations of myself. Just relax and enjoy the wonderful blessings that God is pouring out on us all the time.

I want to look back on this season and remember how much I enjoyed the good things, and showed grace to myself...because never again will I get to experience this season.